Here, Tina and Amy's top 5 male targets:
1) "Matt Damon is here from Behind the Candelabra. Matt, on any other night in any other room you would be a big deal, but tonight, and don't take this the wrong way, you're basically a garbage person."
2) "Bradley Cooper is here, star of American Hustle. Interesting trivia: The original title of that movie was Explosion at the Wig Factory."
3) "Gravity is nominated for Best Film. It's the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age."
4) "One of my favorite films this year is the movie Her, which takes place in the not far distant future, which is perfect, because so does Joaquin Phoenix."
5) "The Wolf of Wall Street is a big nominee tonight. And I really love the film, but some of it was too graphic. If I wanted to see Jonah Hill masturbate at a pool party, I'd go to one of Jonah Hill's pool parties. Jonah Hill actually used a prosthetic penis in Wolf of Wall Street. So you have that to look forward the next time you eat at Planet Hollywood."
Bonus quip: "Like a supermodel's vagina, let's give a warm welcome to Leonardo DiCaprio!!"
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Gallery | Golden Globes 2014: Red Carpet Arrivals