The writer and the fan in me are constantly at odds.
The season five finale of Game of Thrones did a great job of highlighting this fact. As a writer, I understand the need to kill beloved characters for the sake of narrative integrity and vision. I have done that in my own writing with little concern for the future, potential reader's delicate feelings. To me, the creator of the world and her characters, that death is destined, unchangeable, simply fact.
The fan in me does not deal in those absolutes.
The fan in me loved Jon Snow. And since Sunday, if I let my mind wander, the fan aches.
Now, before you laugh, judge or think you are better than me because you care about the real world, I encourage you to consider, for a moment, why we absorb into art in the first place. Why do actors act, writers write, musicians compose, and on and on? We want to connect, to make sense or make light or make broken something from our real world. There have even been studies done that show readers are more empathetic human beings.
We need art to help us understand the world we do live in.
As a creative person, I may also be more inclined to feel deeply for the characters I spend time with - whether they be my own or someone else's. In the two years since I began watching Game of Thrones (we binged the Blu-rays during the hiatus between seasons two and three), my affection for the bastard son of Ned Stark has become a thing of amusement to family and friends. I have received texts and tweets and Facebook tags whenever someone ran across news about this character. I even wrote a character analysis about him once.
Fine, you can judge me a little. Go ahead. I'll wait.
I remember feeling this way as an 11-year-old reading To Kill a Mockingbird for the first time, sobbing over the attack on Jem and Scout, broken for these characters that had become (and forever will be) a part of me. I remember when I was 16, reading Harry Potter and turning into a broke-down zombie bride, waking in the middle of the night to check that the book was still beside me. I wrote essays about Harry. I wrote off other humans who couldn't understand how I had been changed, utterly and completely, by the experience of going to Hogwarts.
I remember it from earlier, too. From Anne of Green Gables, from Pollyanna, from Charlotte's Web and The Chronicles of Narnia.
When I discovered The Hunger Games at 26 and was suddenly thrust back into that experience of visceral, untainted affection, I remember spending an entire day crying after finishing Mockingjay. I was without the words to explain why I couldn't shake the feeling of loss and longing gnawing away inside me.
Spoiler alert: Jon Snow is dead. We can speculate as fans that he will resurrect, but the line coming from the Thrones camp is one of finality. Kit Harington, the actor who perfectly portrayed Jon for these five seasons of Thrones, has given interviews expressing his certainty that he is done. They could all be lying, milking it for the publicity, but for now, I am just trying to grieve the loss. Because even if Jon comes back, it won't be the same. Losing Jon Snow is accompanied by the same pang of sadness and solemnity as the loss of youthful innocence. The boy Jon has died. Will a man be reborn? Only time (and leaks from the set of Game of Thrones) will tell.
The writer in me understands this. Even if this is not the death I would have ultimately given him - a point I have argued with anyone willing to listen. But, this is not my show, and as much as my affection affords me the right to pine for the Lord Commander of the Night's Watch or to nerd rage over this loss, I can't change it. I have nothing to bargain with David Benioff and D.B. Weiss, and all my empty threats about quitting the show, well, they aren't listening to them.
But I can allow the fan in me a chance to feel sadness. To feel cheated. To feel like Jon - my Jon -deserved better than death at the end of a mutinous dagger. I have to because that is why I consume and create art. Feeling pain is wonderful and valuable, it provides an opportunity to grow, to learn. Is it silly to cry about Jon Snow's death? Maybe. But ignoring what I have gained and now lost through his death, that would be a missed opportunity. That would be a mistake, as a writer and a fan.
And I'm both. I'm proud to be both.
For clarification: HBO and Kit have an obligation to maintain the line that he is gone because the show ended on a cliffhanger. My perspective is simply to believe that even if Jon (and the actor who plays him) comes back, the character of Jon Snow as we have known him will be altered. I expect, if they are going to bring him back, he will likely have a different identity (being reborn/renamed), and they will pretend that's what they meant all along.