My Biggest Fear Is not Succeeding
When I was growing up, I didn't think about my future that much. It seemed like lightyears away, and I always thought, I will worry about it when the time comes. Before I could even think about my future again, it was time for me to pick my college and pick my major. Oh God, picking a major is dreadful; it is a label that basically defines you for the rest of your life - what career you chose, what degree you have, what college you went to - that's just what it means.
I'm one of those lucky people who entered college with a major that I knew I was happy with. I found a niche, and I started giving myself goals, even if it meant staying up until 3 a.m. on a class night or not seeing my friends on the weekend. On the outside, I looked like a focused student who would do anything they could to get an A+, but on the inside, I was just crumbling under imaginary pressure that I was creating for myself. The more and more I thought about not getting a 4.0 GPA, the more and more I started to feel that I just couldn't amount to anything and I should just give it up now. Nobody really teaches you that grades don't matter in the end. If you don't have the passion for the work that you are doing, you will never be happy.
It's sad to think that my definition of succeeding in life is doing well and graduating college at the top of your class. That definition wasn't made by me, it was made by the environment I am in. I feel that some of my classmates love the competition and love to let everybody know that they are better, smarter and ahead.
I was in a class once, and the professor felt the need to pass out copies of one student's essay. While she was passing it out, she was boasting about how wonderful it was and how this one student was an exceptional pupil. She also said that he was excused from peer review. (Peer review is when you bring copies of your work and hand them to students, so they can rip them to shreds and remind you that you aren't as good a writer as they are.) It doesn't matter what the intentions are, there is no such thing as nice constructive criticism in college.
"Your paper is dull!"
"This was so boring!"
"You should just throw this away!"
Those were a few of the comments that were plastered on some of our papers. All thanks to those who feel they were better.
Every day, I spend hours thinking, Am I doing enough? I could get an A+ in all my classes, I could get three internships and I could even get an award, and I still think I am not doing enough. A future in communications makes me really excited and miserable at the same time. I worry that I won't be cut out for this field. Can I keep up with the big leagues? Can I land my dream job (which is working for Viacom)? Can I make enough money to support myself?
I am starting to realize that all my worrying is taking the fun out of reaching my goals and dreams. I no longer want to accomplish something for myself and my own personal gain; I want to accomplish things, so I can broadcast it to the rest of the world and show them that I am what they define as successful. There's no time to be proud of yourself because you've got to move on to the next thing that will get people intimidated by you. You've got to move on to the next thing because if you don't, somebody will pass you.
I am starting to develop my own cure for this fear. I have always had a really deep connection with music and lately I have been creating playlists of all my favorite songs. If I feel anxious about the future I just turn my music on and sing along to the lyrics in my head. There's a song for every emotion that I am feeling and it helps me.
I also like to write. I have a lot to say, as you can see. I may not be the most creative or engaging writer, but I just like to write how I think. I don't want to have a type of style. I want to have my own way of writing. I want people to be able to read this and hear my voice word by word just like how I would recite this.
That's just how I do things.