Every Girl Has Felt Like This After a Breakup
My best friend Maxine once asked what happens if you feel both of the kinds of love with one person. I told her, "If it's both, remember, the fire will burn your wings." That had to be some of the best advice I've ever, unknowingly, given myself. Of course, I was just trying to help her out. She had a serious case of the "ex blues". You know the drill. He ignores you for long periods of time, and then when it's convenient, he would message you to say that he missed you. The usual. Never did I think that I was trying to help myself because, the flames from the love I had burnt my wings, and I thought you would catch me but you let me fall and break every bone inside of me.
I never saw it coming, but who ever does? I enjoyed the warmth of the flames, and all the heat it brought to my life. I enjoyed every moment of it. Never did it cross my mind to slow down and back away. I wanted more. I became greedy. I wanted more than you could offer, what you failed to say that you couldn't offer. I wanted more. I wanted too much. Greed is one of the seven deadly sins, and God punished me. God took me out of my Eden, and I saw how naked I was, seeing the world for what it really is. You could call me Eve, and you were the serpent and I believed all your lies willingly.
I once described what we had as "explosive," and that it would scar me. The explosion did much more than scar me; it tore away my clothes and my skin. It removed my flesh from the bones and left me exposed to all the harshness of your following words:
"I still love her."
"I can't be with you."
"I can never commit the way you want me to."
I felt like the Pearl Harbor on Dec. 7, 1941. I was attacked, and I wasn't prepared. You destroyed everything in sight and didn't even look back. This was for fun for you; you enjoyed lying and leading me on a path that I would get lost in. I didn't even bring bread crumbs to navigate back from your forest of pain. How do I get out?
The pain? That's something I will never forget. My heart felt like it had been stomped on. Each time I cried, I had to hold on tight to my chest to make sure that I still had a heartbeat because there were times when I thought it had been torn to minute pieces and I was not going to survive. The sad part was that I would have handed my heart back to you, just so that I could feel some degree of happiness. That's how delusional I had become. You masked yourself with your lies and sweet words; I was sucker for everything you had to say to me. I believed you.
Our love never existed because the person you showed to me never existed. The real you never showed his face to me. I never knew who you were. I fell in love with who you were pretending to be. I cried for someone who was never there and will never exist.
The worst part about this is that I could feel that you were no good. I felt and sensed it. I exposed myself knowing in my gut that this would ruin me. Isn't that the tragedy of love though? You know exactly what you are going to do to yourself.