The biggest struggle of the hairstyling world is, and forever will be, trying to replicate your new haircut after leaving the salon. Your stylist seems to make it so easy for you; she takes you step-by-step through the process in painstaking detail, telling you what products you should be using and the exact setting to switch your blow dryer to, to get your hair on fleek. And if she's a true saint, she may even have you practice the wrist flicks she's mastered when giving you your blowout.
You'll leave the salon feeling confident, thinking that this time you totally got this. But it's inevitable: The second you wash your hair, undoing your stylist's masterpiece, it's gone. Gone forever, down the drain, toward the land where all hairstyles go to die.
Putting that blow dryer to your head for the first time free of your stylist's loving touch makes your mind go blank, and suddenly you feel like a baby bird not ready to fly out of the nest. And no matter how many YouTube tutorials you watch, it's useless.
For all of you who have been here before (it's a dark place and a dark time), here are the nine emotional stages of trying to style your hair after a cut.
1. Getting Duped Into Buying That Expensive Mousse
I know it's $30 for an 8-oz. can, but my stylist used it on my roots and my hair's never been more voluminous! We're talking borderline '80s volume here. My hair's the embodiment of #tbt. I don't care if she gets paid by the brand to promote this, I must have this product! Even if I can hear my checking account crying in the distance!
2. Realizing Your Blow Dryer Doesn't Have That Fancy Doo-dad on the End
I don't get it, my blow dryer is just whipping my hair around but without the nae nae. What was that pointy thing my stylist had on the end of her dryer that funneled all the air out to make my hair deliciously wavy? Can I recreate it with tin foil or is that a completely terrible idea? I guess I'll have to settle for a misdirected stream of air causing nothing but frizz.
3. Also Your Brush Is Crap
Her brush had these soft, satiny bristles made in Europe, and mine has coarse, scratchy bug-like feelers that can't even take out knots. How am I supposed to work with this?
I spent $30 on the mousse, so I guess I'm going to have to work with this.
4. Not Being Able to Master the Wrist Motion
What did she say it was? A flick and a glide? Am I flicking too much or gliding too much? Is it normal for my wrist to hurt this badly or do I have carpal tunnel? Oh, sh**, now the brush is stuck in my hair. Damn you, crappy brush! This failure's on you, not me!
5. Turning Your New Full-Bangs 'Do Into a Straggly Mess
I told her I wanted Zooey Deschanel's hair, and it totes looked like that until I got home! Now it looks like I somehow stuck a rake to my forehead, which I guess is appropriate for fall, but not the look I was going for!
6. Wondering if Hairstylists Want You to Have a Mental Breakdown
Hairstylists are obviously a part of an evil beauty cult bent on causing destruction through frustration and clients' tears. If my haircut was a Batman villain, it'd be the Riddler because there is no way I'm figuring this out. I hope you're happy evil stylists of the world. You broke my spirit.
7. Consider Cutting It Yourself
Now that I've had a full scale meltdown, it suddenly seems like a good idea to cut my own hair! Maybe if I cut it myself, I'll be able to style it myself? That's how it works, right? *nervous, manic laughter*
8. Screw It All, Your Hair Is Going in a Beanie. Forever.
Screw my stylist, screw my hair and screw that $30 mousse that's staring me in the face! I'm wearing a hat until the end of my days, and I don't care what anyone says. Take that world, I'm no longer subscribing to your ridiculous standards of hair!
9. Next Week Rolls Around
So I'll have a blowout, please.