What Not to Wear: Stuffing our Faces Edition

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Whether we're ready or not, the holidays are upon us (seriously, where did this year go?!). That means hot chocolate, gift shopping, crackling fires and...festive dinners. As a Southerner, I come from a long line of tradition that involves hopping around from so-and-so's house on holidays to imbibe in all manner of delicious favorites, like homemade pumpkin pies, dressing, turkey, cranberry sauce, casseroles galore...and other than the fact that my pants don't usually fit very well after any of these given meals, there are a few things I've learned over the years that I'd like to share with you all, like, there are some things you should just not wear to holiday dinners.

Here's an example. A few years ago, I lost a bunch of weight and decided to "reveal" my weight loss at a family gathering on Thanksgiving. This meant I went out and bought a fantastic corset top and a skirt, which fit me like a glove. The problem was that as soon as I sat down for dinner at grandma's house, the corset immediately let me know that, clearly, I was an idiot. Not only did it pinch me in all the wrong places, but by the end of the night, I'd managed to make myself feel like...well, like this:
oblongs helga stuck in drainA form-fitting corset probably isn't the best thing to wear to a nice holiday dinner party. Maybe that's common sense (it wasn't to me, at the time...sigh), but there's also a few other styles of clothing you might want to save for a non-holiday-meal occasion when the chances of ingesting a lot of cranberry sauce and pie isn't necessarily on the agenda.

Avoid Wearing a White Dress or One With Flowy/belled Sleeves ​
lovely girl in white dress...I've also done this before. I wore a really cute white lace dress to Thanksgiving last year because it was cute and on sale. It stayed cute...because I was so heart-wrenchingly paranoid the entire night that I was going to spill wine/pie/gravy on it. I would've much rather not worried about staining a white dress or dragging sleeves through pumpkin pie. Sigh.

Ditto to Jumpsuits/rompers
street fashion. beautiful young ...I have a love/hate relationship with these anyway, and it's been complicated for a few years now. Since Google claims these are going to be trendy for a while, we really need to work on our timing. Just like wearing it to a one-bathroom venue on a busy Saturday night, these aren't going to be fun to wear to a family gathering. Think about it. There's a good chance it would create an awkward bathroom situation (I mean, you gotta get basically naked to go pee while wearing one). We all have those family members that don't know how to knock, and inevitably Aunt So-And-So won't have a functioning lock. So...you're welcome.

Nix Anything Tailored/form-fitting

Just like my epic failure choosing a corset top, you'll want to avoid anything that doesn't allow a little stretch (c'mon, you know you're going to eat a lot of bloat-worthy carbs, don't play). Forget those adorable thick denim pants that fit just right and any kind of shapewear whatsoever (if you like breathing, anyway). If you got granny panties, rock them like you mean business.

Forget About Long Necklaces + Dangling Bracelets

Unless you want to pick up some of those mashed potatoes and save them for later, we'd skip any bauble that might cause a food-shoveling situation. I have been known to casually scoop up bread rolls in my bracelets before. It's not cute, you guys.

About the Shoe Situation...Stick With Flats
Beautiful woman showing her legs putting on or taking off heels isolated on a white backgroundAll the better to hug your tiny grandmas with, my dear. Heels aren't going to be really comfortable to stand in for hours at a time while you're catching up on the latest gossip by the dessert table.

Above All Else, Do not, Under any Circumstance, Wear a Plunging Neckline

Think of it as like having a slip-n-slide for turkey to ride down into your bra. I'm not speaking from experience here. Or am I? Just take my word for it, ladies.


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