By: Kristie Stumpf Rork
I have big boobs.
I have had big boobs since I was a kid. I filled my first C-cup when I was 12-years-old, and they continued to grow. Today at 45, I fill an H-cup.
I wish they were smaller.
Like the curly hair versus straight hair conundrum, women with large breasts wish they had smaller breasts, and women with smaller breasts wish they had larger breasts. But unlike the little boob problems, there are some serious disadvantages of having large boobies.
1. Financial. Yup. Unless you are a B-cup, or smaller, the well-endowed shell out more money for their bras. We are talking up to $100 more! So, there is a financial disadvantage to having big boobs.
2. Health. Aside from the complaints of chronic pain in our neck, shoulders, and back, would you believe that women of larger breasts get jilted in breast cancer detection? 3-D mammography, all the rage at your local imaging clinic, has the potential to significantly increase the cancer detection rate in mammography screening of women. Wonderful, right? Not if you are bigger than a DD-cup, then your only option is the lesser 2D mammogram screening. So, there is a health disadvantage of having big boobs.
And, eight more reasons why it is better to be of little boobs:
3. MUST wear a bra... always. Those maxi dresses are so damn cute? Too bad we will never -- EVER -- be able to wear one.
4. NO cardio. We prefer yoga or strength training. Really any physical activity that requires us to wear three layers of spandex to batten down the boobies is avoided.
5. Hand-wash ONLY. When we find THAT bra... the one that lifts your breasts out of our belly-button and places them just below your chin. The one that probably cost a week's worth of groceries. With the gentlest soaps, we bathe them with the same care as with our first-born.
6. Weight-lifting. Found a shelf or counter that is boob level? We find joy in setting our immense mammary monsters upon the counter -- similar to weightlessness when you are in a pool. Don't judge. You would do the same if you were carrying an extra 20 pounds on your chest.
7. The Collector. When we do remove our bras, like for the five minutes each day we luckily fit in a shower, it is like opening a keepsake box. Each lego, binky, half-eaten toast we pull from the crevice of our bosom has us harking back memories of how and when that item was first lost.
8. Sweat. Yeah, yeah, all ladies complain about boob sweat on a hot day... but what our little boobed friends miss out on is the chafing, rashing, baking-a-bread yeast growth caused in the sweat of a large-breasted woman. Yay, fun!
9. High-waisted jeans. What the HELL! Really?! Big boobied ladies don't especially care for that moment when our jeans button gets locked in our underwire and we are momentarily STUCK in a bowing position. Flat-chested designers of high-waisted jeans need to be throat-punched.
10. The Impaling. Stabbed by an unsheathed underwire while lecturing to a
class, teaching CPR, or bible reading at the pulpit? No one is more capable of hiding their face of pain, and reacting in grace and dignity, then us big boobied gals. Blood may be dripping from the flesh beneath our armpits, but we will finish with finesse.
So, my small boobied friends, rejoice in the little God gave you upon your chest and be thankful.
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